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She’s well

I contemplated on making every cent I had at the moment to be used only in time of desperation. For, I did not possess much—barely sufficient to keep on going for the next few days but my mother has always taught me to not fret so much about the unforeseen. Otherwise, you shall be smothered with nothing less than inconsequential feeling of pensive sadness and frustration. But I was desperate. I longed for such comfort only she could offer. I longed for her grace in her voice and those fine words she could utter. As I pressed the buttons that spelled out the only contact number that I could recall, I could feel my mind simultaneously berating me in cruelest words possible for being fickle and a horrible weakling.

After a ring or two, a faint voice that I’d grown to miss so deeply greeted me from the other end of the line, jaded and weary—the aftermath of working two jobs, day and night; to ensure that her four children could go to college and live life the way she never had. “Hi mom,” I said, in hopes that I would not choke on my tears I’ve assembled throughout the course of two months.  “Hi sweetie, how are you?” she said, amassing the strength she barely even had to speak.  I wanted to say how I wasn’t well and how I flunked two of my subjects out of four this semester. I wanted to tell her how the love of my life has left me for his love of his life.  I wanted to tell her how I feared the darkness and the rain, for the landlord wanted me out of the house by Friday for my ‘lack of responsibility’, he would say. I wanted to tell her how ravenous I was and how humiliated I was to be caught red-handed by a fellow mate when I was rummaging the dumpster for winter coats or boots for warmth and comfort. I wanted to tell her how exhausted I was from work and how I failed to juggle my time between work and study; and how I’d occasionally, contemplated on ending my life with a single rope or a gun wound to concede defeat. But I couldn’t. 

Instead, I told her how thoughtful some people were to offer some help and that the world needs more thoughtful people like kind Uncle John—he would offer me free pancakes every morning. I told her about my hopes and dreams. I told her about the books I’ve read and the sunset in the sky. I told her about how long my hair was and how I had lost some weight. She hadn’t seen me in two years. I told her about that funny looking professor that had beard that dances as he speaks and I could hear a faint weary laughter that resuscitated me.  I bit my lips in distress, trying to hold back those words I wanted to say. I did not want to let her know that I needed my mother. The silence was cheap and deafening. Some things are best left unsaid, you see.

“I am so glad to hear that you are well, sweetheart.”

And those words echoed in the mouths of my family for months.

 She is very very well.

 

 

Anonymous said: Hi there, why did you tweet its your last day in Melbourne ? Are you going back to Malaysia for good ? :)

Yes! Back for good.

Anonymous said: kak lisa, you pernah bekerja dengan toyota right? for how long? and which department are you in?

For three weeks je! Financial and reporting team. :)

Anonymous said: can you write a story about an overprotective parents and anak yg tak suka dikongkong? please

Okay, I’ll try? Thanks for your suggestion :)

Anonymous said: so kak sara i have confessed to him. but i think he's slow. hahaha. i approached him twice and i mulakan conversation twice. so i guess i am tired of trying. this time, i would never text him first again, im going to wait he to tegur me first. thank you for your feedback :))) . but apa nasihat you for me? tq:)

Hi sweetie, I am sorry to hear. But I’m sure you’ve done the right thing, at least he knows. And you won’t get caught up with these bad feelings if you weren’t to tell him. But don’t take it too hard okay. It’s really a brave thing to do I never had the courage to confront someone like that coz I don’t like to be rejected. But anyway, I hope he’d feel the same way for you.

I’m writing this at 4 a.m—
the gust of wind creeping through those windows
and kissing my skin and off to the door

And I thought of you
the way you would press your gentle full lips on my forehead
my head on your chest
our hands intertwined
like a beautiful masterpiece in the museum

and when you had to say goodbye in the morning
all I was often left with were these hollow emptiness and a definite longing
of every inch of you
with me
and of course
a solemn assurance that
sweetheart,
within you,
lies my everything

aqilaaliya said: It has been awhile since I last saw you on my dashboard ! Used to re-read some of your writings when I have nothing else to do, lol. I love every pieces of short stories you wrote :D

That’s so very sweet and nice of you! It means a lot to me. Thank you so much aqila! Yeah i seriously need to stop abandoning my blog =/

Anonymous said: lol @ you i read ur tweets about the people and the place dangerous/ bad/ and such hm try to remember it back nyanyok woman ;) chaw

Errr, in case you haven’t noticed, Malaysia is pretty dangerous. The theft, the stabbing, the pecah kereta. But i never really said anything about other places being better than Malaysia. At least, i can’t recall saying that. I memang nyanyuk pon tapi i don’t think i bodoh macam you. Open your eyes wideeee sweetie. It’s not safe to live in this world with your eyes closed. 

Anonymous said: I'm sorry for saying this but I really hate it when you mock malaysia, like seriously you're a malaysian. I dont think you should always mock about how shitty malaysia is. The zoo the people the place and etc. You like to compare malaysia with melbourne like duh dont bajet minah salleh sgt la

Chill dude. Don’t you at least have the courage to confront me without being an anonymous? I am allowed to criticize whatever as i please. Bila masa i criticize the people though? Just the damn zoo. It was horrible and i think they should do something about it because those poor animals are probably suffering from the limited space they offer. And the way they take care of the zoo is simply upsetting. I don’t remember saying anything else though about Malaysia except how much i miss Malaysian food. lol So shame on you.

itsnameeraaa said: ... Do you think it will affect my studies? And is it safe/okay to travel alone? One more thing, is melbourne a fun place to go? I'm sorry if I'm bothering you!

Awww why would you blame me for that? haha Anyway, Melbourne is by far the safest place i’ve ever been to. But then again, even the safest place on Earth has no guarantee that it would remain safe for all. You could perhaps go to Melbourne on your semester break. I am sure that would be fine. It is safe to travel alone. I am still alive, am i ? And no you’re not bothering me at all. Melbourne can be fun! There are ample of things to do! Plan your trip well, do a lil bit more research! But i’d say it would be more fun to have a companion.